


We'll Get There

by AnxiouslyGoing



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: ADHD Jim Kirk, Academy days, Autism/adhd solidarity, Autistic Leonard McCoy, Hints at emotional/mental abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort with a soft ending, Jim does his best to be supportive, Meltdown, Negative Self Talk, Self-harming stims, Sensory Overload, Suspected abuse but not discussed, Vague reference to Tarsus, internalized ableism, migraines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:00:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23781208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiouslyGoing/pseuds/AnxiouslyGoing
Summary: His first meltdown in months, and of course it had to happen all in front of Jim. Still. He supposed it was better than in the middle of the courtyard where Jim had found him after another cadet had shoved him to the ground. Maybe things could have been worse, but they could have been a whole lot better too.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 111





	We'll Get There

Leonard watched the ground as he walked as quickly as he could to his dorm, trying to limit visual input. His head was pounding. 

He had woken up feeling just slightly off, knowing it was going to be one of those days where everything was turned up by half, if not doubled, so of course it was today that the light in the lecture hall decided to act up. 

He had wanted to sneak out, and maybe if he could have done so without being seen he would have. But that particular professor was a bit of a stickler on attendance, the sort that counted you absent if you left early without a legitimate reason.

And while some might have agreed with him that sensory overload from a headache and that punk with the bubblegum three seats over, not to mention the lights, was a legitimate reason the last thing he wanted to do was disclose his diagnosis. Even in this day and age of advancement and progression good things rarely came from it in his experience. 

So he kept his head down, striding to his quiet and dark dorm, praying he could hold off the meltdown he could feel bubbling his chest. 

An unholy amount of pain shocked through his body when he accidentally collided with another student.

"Watch it!" The other man snapped. 

Somewhere, vaguely in the back of his throbbing head, Leonard knew he should apologize, and even half turned to do, but couldn't manage to find his words. He shook his head as if it would somehow shake loose the words he wanted and abruptly found himself on the ground. 

\---

Jim ran over when he saw Leonard hit the ground.

Dread crept over him as he watched his roommate curl in on himself, clamping his hands over his ears. 

"Hey," Jim jumped in front of the cadet, standing protectively in front of Bones."Back off," he snapped.

"There's something wrong with that stupid friend of yours." The cadet nodded at Leonard. 

"He's not stupid. He has a headache, he's sick." 

The cadet snorted. "Yeah, mentally maybe." 

The cadet was already flat out on his back before Jim ever realized he was swinging a fist. 

He turned and knelt in front of his roommate. 

Len's nails bit deep into his scalp, he kept his eyes screwed shut and focused on his breathing. 

He was all too familiar with the swelling in his chest. He clenched his jaw in a desperate attempt to stave off the incoming meltdown. 

He wanted to leap up and run away, but he felt glued to the ground he'd landed on. 

"Bones?" Jim waited a beat, hoping his roommate would answer. Len didn't so much as move. "Alright. I'm sorry, pal, but I gotta getcha outta here." He gripped one of Len's arms and hauled him to his feet before tucking an arm and around Len's waist and quickly guiding him to the room. If Bones was aware of any of this, he did not show it. 

From the moment the chewlry pendant showed up on his books Len knew that Jim knew he was autistic. Or at least that Jim had a strong suspicion. It was some minor comfort that Jim knew enough to think to get a stim tool for him, and that he had at least tried to ask before yanking Len to his feet. But there was a familiar ache of dread that pressed hard against Leonard's sternum. He felt as though it might dislodge the structure completely from his ribs. Which, speaking literally was an absurd idea, but it was a fairly good description of how he felt at the moment. 

The swelling fear did nothing but accelerate the meltdown. His legs finally gave out from under him, and at the same moment he fell out of his body. Strong arms caught him around the waist, but the shock of sudden input was overwhelming and Leonard jerked away, flinging himself on the ground. It wasn't Jim's fault. He was trying to be helpful. Had it been another time, Leonard might have had the awareness to acknowledge the appreciation he felt for the action. 

Instead he felt his mouth clamp harshly around his wrist. An old tact to keep the screams from escaping, to try to keep the tears from falling. 

To keep from drawing attention to his childish behavior.

He hated himself for this. 

For all of this. 

He knew. 

He knew the potential of overload and thus a meltdown. 

But he had made himself stay in the class because he was too proud to ask for accommodations. Too proud to get up and leave because he wasn't feeling well. He should have known better. But he had stayed and now here he was melting down in front of one of the few people who had bothered to show him any kindness since the divorce. 

It was one thing to chew on pen caps. 

This was something else. 

Having seen the ugly side of his disorder, Jim would put in a request for a dorm transfer. 

Leonard couldn't blame him. Who wants to deal with someone who cries and bites themselves when they get overwhelmed or stressed? 

He understood, but it did not make it easier to bear. 

All his life he had been not good enough because of his autism, and now it was pushing away the one person that he might have potentially called his friend. 

Leonard struck the side of his head. Trying to physically dislodge the thoughts he knew were only prolonging and making the meltdown worse. He wanted them to stop. Jim was neurodivergent too. He'd gone out of his way to buy him a chewy pendant. Even so far as to get a themed one. Jim would- what? Understand? He would be ok with a roommate who has such childish outbursts? He would still see Leonard in the same light as before? 

It seemed unlikely. 

But Leonard had no more strength left to fight off such thoughts. Part of him seemed to settle back into his body while the rest sat in the corner and watched him almost put himself in the recovery position he had learned in first aid class and continued to cry and tug at the hair on the back of his head. He wanted to stop. To disappear. To make it so that Jim had seen none of what his body had just done without his consent. 

But it was not meant to be. 

A familiar weight settled over him, but he couldn't bear to bring his eyes to look at Jim in any way as the younger man covered him with his weighted blanket. 

Jim tried to speak to him. Len moved his hand and gripped a fistful of his hair, trying to hide his face. Jim fell silent, but remained close by. 

\---

Len seemed to phase in and out of a light of sleep for a long while before he was able to bring himself to sit up. 

Jim crouched and offered a water bottle. "You ok, pal?" 

Len nodded, but kept his eyes on the floor. Too ashamed and too tired to look at him. Jim nodded in return and set the water down within easy reach for Len. 

"Do you want an ice pack or something?" 

Len shook his head and huddled against the wall, pulling his knees to his chest. 

Jim's communicator chirped. "This is Kirk," he answered. He let out a sigh. "Look, I can- yeah, I'll be right down." He glanced up at his roommate. "I'm sorry. Bones, I gotta go. I'll be back as soon as I can. Is there- can I bring something?" 

Len shook his head, and drew a little closer in on himself. 

"Ok. I'll be back soon." He almost reached out to grip Len's shoulder as he normally might, but restrained himself, and left the room without a further word. 

Leonard drew his blanket around his shoulder and dropped his head against the wall. He couldn't blame Jim for leaving. He'd leave too if he could. 

It had been a long time since his last meltdown and he felt like an idiot for it. Maybe ashamed was a better word for it. 

Childish. 

Len squeezed his head between the heels of his hands. It was normal, he tried to remind himself. There wasn't anything wrong with it, it was just how his system brought things back into equilibrium. Just like shock is a normal reaction to trauma, meltdowns were a natural reaction to overload. It was just as instinctual and natural as fight or flight. Len breathed slowly and replayed all the things his daddy had explained to him years before. It wasn't fair for him to judge himself by others' reactions and standards because they didn't understand. 

It would be like...like judging someone for having a hard time running when you couldn't see the broken ribs under their shirt. Just because something it wasn't visible didn't mean it didn't hurt, it didn't mean that the judgement that was dealt out was right or fair. 

Meltdowns were just another function of his body, and there was nothing shameful about how a body worked. And that included stimming. 

Len closed his eyes and rubbed circles in the middle of his chest. 

\---

"Hey," Jim greeted quietly. "I know you said you didn't need anything, but I snuck some soup out of the cafeteria for you." He set the cup on the desk and glanced at Bones. His roommate didn't seem to have moved any. "Are you-" 

"When're you leavin'?" 

Jim frowned. "What?" 

"When are you leavin'?" He asked again. 

"I just got back. I don't-" 

"Movin'. When are they gonna move you?" 

Jim sat across from Len. "Do you want me to leave?" 

He shrugged. "Can't say I blame you if you did." 

Jim sighed inwardly. "Bones, I'm not going anywhere. Alright? Not unless you want me to." 

Len frowned. "Isn' that why you left earlier?" 

"I broke someone's nose, Bones. I left because he went and complained about it. I had to go explain what happened. And you don't have to worry about that, ok? It's being taken care of. I don't plan on asking for a new dorm or a new roommate or anything else, alright?" 

Len bit his lip and nodded. 

"Look..." Jim let out a sigh, he knew he was on thin ice, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something needed to be said. "Bones... I know that you're autistic, ok? I've known for a while. That's why I got you that necklace. I sorta thought you knew I figured it out after that. It doesn't..." he shook his head, "look, man, I don't know what you've been through, but I'm- I know meltdowns are part of this. And I'm not gonna hold that against you. Alright?" 

He nodded. "Thanks," he said, his voice tight. 

"You feelin' up to eating?" 

Len shrugged. 

"It's just chicken noodle. Figured that would be a safe food." Jim stood as he spoke and retrieved the soup. "Only way I could get it out was in a to-go cup." He passed a cup and spoon to Len and sat down with his own. 

Len shifted so he was sitting cross-legged instead of his knees being folded to his chest, wincing a little as he realized how stiff his legs had gotten. "Thanks." 

Jim fiddled with his spoon, "What made you think I was going to leave?" 

Leonard stared at his soup and stirred it. "I know they're not easy for other people to deal with," he said quietly. 

Jim found himself watching Len the way he had watched a couple of his kids, the ones that never seemed to talk about their parents like the others. The ones that had vaguely reminded him of himself. 

"Didn't really seem like a walk in the park for you either."

"Yeah, well, I'm still sorry you had to see it." 

"I'm sorry you had to go through it," Jim offered. "And I'm sorry for grabbing you and dragging you around earlier. I saw you kinda shutting down and I-" 

"It's fine. Better than...out there." 

Jim nodded. He paused a moment trying to pick his next words carefully. "You can tell me if I do something wrong. I don't wanna make things harder on you. I know I kinda run under stimmed, so, y'know, if you're feeling overwhelmed or anything you can tell me to chill." 

Leonard shook his head. "That's not very fair to you." 

"It's gonna be easier for me to put in earbuds or find some other input than it is for you to block it out," Jim pointed out. "I can go run laps if I need to. That's not gonna help you any. I mean, getting rid of _me_ for a few minutes probably helps," Jim chuckled when Len cracked a small smile. 

"Thanks, kid," he said softly. 

"You're welcome, Bones." 

"Feelin' alright?" 

Len shrugged. "Better. I- I appreciate you tryin'a help, I do, but you're gonna have to be patient with me. Most people- just not really used to bein' able to be this open about it." 

Jim frowned. "What about your wife?" He immediately began back peddling when Len ducked his head. "That's not- I'm sorry, that's not my business. I just thought- I'm sorry. I-" 

"It's ok," Len cut in quietly. "It wasn't... I dunno what happened. At first it wasn't- it was fine. But after a while it just got easier for me to mask at home too. I don' know what happened." 

"I'm sorry," Jim said again. 

"It's ok. Probably got off easy all things considered," Len harrumphed. 

"That doesn't make it ok, Bones." 

"Maybe not," he agreed softly. "But I'm not there anymore, so it's fine." 

Jim nodded. It was a sentiment he could understand. "You are here," he agreed. "I know how hard it can be to trust people after- after anything. I _get_ it, so I'm not gonna hold it against you. But I'm here too. As long as you'll let me be, I'm here, Bones. And you don't have to mask around me, you don't have to pretend or hide or any of that. I'm _here._ And I'm not goin' anywhere." 

"Thank you," Len whispered. 

Jim took both cups and set them side then wedged himself between Len and the wall and wrapped his arms around Len's shoulders. "We've both got a long way to go. But we're gonna get there, Bones. We'll get there." 

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this sitting in my drafts for over a little over a year now. For many autistic folks meltdown are an inevitable part of life, they certain are for me. Many of us experience meltdown in many different ways, and sometimes there can be almost varying degrees of meltdowns even for just one person. There's a lot of stigma around autistic meltdowns, I have to be honest, that's part of why it has take me so long to get this posted, but it is part of life for many of us. It's a part that I feel other autistic people deserve to see represented as simply that: part of life. Meltdowns are not tantrums, there's no goal behind a meltdown as there is with tantrums. Meltdowns a response mechanism the same as fight, flight, or freeze is. That's something that I hoped to convey through this fic.


End file.
